Because It Happened

Chapter 1: A Summary of My Life

As much as I hate the human species as a whole, I believe the closest people to me deserve the biggest part of the malice I’ve bottled up. The avarage person would think this sounds hypocrite, but just because someone was present doesn’t mean they did any good. At some point you just wish they weren’t there. Nobody likes to accept it but if you watch a murderer take someone’s soul in front of your eyes that doesn’t mean you are a good person just because you weren’t the one doing it. You are as bad as him for not helping. No, I wasn’t murdered, but oh the moments I wished someone would just pull the trigger at my head and finish all this. I’m still trapped in this worthless unhealthy body that was given to me. My birth was supposed to be a sign to my family. The unpredictable gender at birth and all the health problems I had as a baby and I still survived. All males in a family with no hope, then suddenly an anomaly. I was born to do a change. I survived to hate the unhated. And I am here to expose the praise hungry two-faced retards everyone keeps feeding.

As perfect as I wanted to be as a kid, I never was, and I slowly started to realize why. And as slowly I started to burn until I reached this point. Not even desperate to fix my life. Just desperate for these earth lurking creatures to get what they deserve. I was lying a lot as a kid. I don’t remember the moment I started to consciously do it but I remember the sweat, fast heartbeat, and shaky hands. I wasn’t looking for problems but it did happen for me to eat an ice cream and the realization to hit me. Or maybe not only the realization. I wasn’t a sucker for praise, I was a sucker for order and perfection. I felt like I had to die if my life wasn’t perfect from the point of birth till probably getting old. That included their opinions. A scolding, a punishment, a push or a slap, all meant it was endgame. And ironically, I had a lot of it. Still, everytime I got up and with that child innocence I thought I can reset it. I can be perfect starting from now. And now. And now. And now. And I can’t fucking it up and never realizing I wasn’t the one in the wrong. It was my family failing me. The society threw shit at me since kindergarten and they were right there to throw more. After all, your child is a failure for falling in an artesian fountain, right? Who cares about her skills in her hobbies, her high intelligence for her age, her good grades, her existence as a being. Obviously you can’t keep someone in a cage if you don’t make it gold, put a fluffy blanket and give them an iPad. So was I indeed getting praised for my goods as well. I had no friends, I was in my room all the time studying and playing, being creative, winning contest at school, joining clubs to learn more skills. A troubless innocent child. The perfect child in an ungrateful "family" full of greedy pigs. You know what they say: "When you’re not grateful of what you have, it will be taken from you". So this exact thing happened.

I was pressured into becoming more, be more, have more, but never too much. Don’t make friends, don’t play with other kids, and never ever mention the word LOVE. Yes, they hate that word and I’ll LOVE to mention it often for them in this manuscript. I was an awkward kid and even judged as weird starting from kindergarten. Other kids loved picking one me because I was the only one who liked working and eating alone. It was peaceful even with all the noise in the backrground. If I dissociated well enough it was actually pretty quiet. But with this blessing I also got some curses like my bad temperance and impulsivity which worsened with age. I once fought all the repulsive male brats in my kindergarten cause they thought it will be funny for all of them to ambush me. And I did not had it. Never did. I was fighting with everyone around me. All they had to do is leave me alone, never talk to me, and only ask nicely if they really needed something. Which obviosuly this siocety doesn’t teach their pathetic little beings to do.

I had hobbies which at that time were seen as unusual by others my age. I liked arts and craft a lot, and I was an internet addict. That resulted in me being interested in questionable subjects which now you can see a lot of larpers and posers loving and praising them. I got bullied a lot about it. I was excluded from activities, nobody wanted to pair with me, and my teacher had to change my deskmate almost every week cause I couldn’t suffer anyone and they didn’t suffered me either. During this time, primary school, home was nothing but a disaster I was ignoring. Everyone was fighting with everyone and I liked nothing but to just watch for the show and never try to stop it. It would’ve been useless cause all of them were in the wrong. They were just too idiotic to see it and I was choosing to rather put my energy into creating another mini house out of cardboard boxes. At school on the other hand, I don’t remember how, but a narcissistic female fatass befriended me. She was obsessed with showing off with anything. She had the same rules for me just like my family: never talk, love me even if I hate you, and be a weirdo somewhere else just not here. My head couldn’t think of anything besides "give what they want and there’s less stress for you" so I did till I snapped. That snap was the biggest character development and life changing, but into worse. She hated me with her guts and she threw gasoline on the fire others were burning me with.

At age 10 I first started to fantasize about murder. Not in a playful cinematic way. I would take my toys and anything that could look like blood and make them kill and torture each other. Most of the time I would record everything so I can watch it later when I couldn’t do a mess. Obviously this was all happening while I was locked alone in my room. I knew everyone else’s beliefs and rules, so I knew what it would happen if I was getting caught. I was keeping my innocent facade while letting all the accumulated wrath in my journals, hidden drawings, and I guess videos.

My first suicide attempt was later when I was 12. I tried to drown myself in the bathroom which yes, sounds very idiotic, but I was young and it happened in the desperation after a huge fight in the house I lived in, this time one I was involded in. From that day I could do nothing but to think about suicide every single day of my life. I got sent to my school’s counselor by my mother where that wrinkled fool was only interested in my parent’s divorce. I got sent out after bringing the bullying I was going through. Schools hate when they have to solve problems that actually go on. That’s when I swore on my life to never see a person with such a retarded function in society. Later when I was 13 I had my first well planned mass murder of my classroom. Guns laws are very well enforced in my country, so I had me and a knife in that plan which didn’t sound very successful, AND sadly I had to give up on it.

Every day became the same. I kept getting lower grades, I knew zero people outside my classroom, I was bullied even by beings outside of it, no male was interested in me, I was a failure and a dissapointment to everyone, I didn’t want to try to fix shit anymore, I saw no future, nothing good happening. I was having goofy moments when I’d try to drown myself, keep my breath, anything that would give me a free trial on seeing how death would feel. Even though I had a very good pain tolerence growing up, I knew death will hurt more even than the moment I got a hole under my chin, which made me think twice when it came to actually putting in practice any suicide plans.

After I finished middle school, my progenitor chose the highschool for me. I wanted to go to the art one, the one where I could do what I like not only in my free time which was slowly getting less and less. My cock sucking family on the other hand wanted the best well known highschool because "such smart kid couldn’t get caught at the idiotic one". I was a minor so legally I had no say in this. I got admited to the best one as they wanted and there started another 4 more years of pure suffering, failed attempts, and more murder plans that didn’t got put in practice.

Besides me getting my first whatever called lover which I got betrayed, used, and cheated by, another hypocrite fatass befriended me. This time was one-sided. The moment I started highschool I did my best to not interact with a single soul. It was better that way. More peaceful. I had my problems at home already, the highschool teachers started to hate me the moment they saw me, and I really didn’t needed another empty-headed clown chirping in my ear. I was down to be seen as an antisocial freak. In reality they were the grunters with shrinking brains. Still this absolute buffoon kept following me around with toxic politeness. I already had the vision and I knew one day I’ll end up knocking the prinde out of her round emptu head. She was the opposite of me. We had nothing in common, she didn’t liked anything about me, and she was just like the girl from primary school, this one with a little update because besides the excesive barking about how she was better than everyone, she was also validation seeking in me. She was getting out of her only mind everytime I’d tell her that faking not eating won’t make her skinnier and that the real result comes from gym. I guess fatties would do anything to hear some empty validation than to work the problem out... Literally.

Highschool was a mess. I still saw no future for myself, didn’t had a direction in life, had no friends, whatever called lover brought bullying over me even from other highschools, my grades were so low I thought I will not pass the year, and that’s how I ended up smoking and drinking for the first time, still on my own. It was the only times my brain would go a little numb and peaceful towards me. I had to go through the second phase with my mom’s psychological and emotional abusive ex boyfriend, I was getting threatened everyday for even wearing makeup and getting told by both of them how ugly I looked. Had more suicide attempts. Out of despare I wanted to drink bleach but I got stuck with the bottle at my mouth thinking of how bad it will burn my throat and how the feeling of not being able to breath will feel. So I didn’t do it. At this point in my life were already one year of cutting myself as well. I couldn’t take it anymore so I moved out at other family members leaving my mother and brother to deal with the bullshit they kept accepting in our lives. Smartest move, but it didn’t changed me. I still had no males interested in me, I was getting bullied by random idiots in the town, I was even harased on the street for being ugly. Shit I obviously never told anyone. In my family eyes I was still the failure child who "became as stupid as others" and which had zero reason to hate her life if she had a roof and food.

At some point I got my second whatever called lover. At first I thought he was like me only because we had the same jokes. He knew some slurs, found my unusual behavior interesting, and suddenly I thought I found my Artyom to my Nikita. That changed very fast. Actually, it changed in some days. I didn’t liked wasting time and I thought that a male really interested in me has to and will ask me to be his partner. Also he called me a creep only after some days of talkig, so almost after a week I told him I’m dumping him cause he’s gonna be another human failure in my history. He talked me out of it and told me to go out with him to see if he really likes me. The second time we went out he asked me to be his partner which internaly I had zero joy about cause it felt forced. Once I have to tell you to do something you already failed, still I accepted cause I was bored anyway and my life could end anytime so I took the yolo. Who would’ve known that this mess of a brainlet was actually a walking cock sucking conformist crybaby who is too much of a pussy to stand for his own so called lover against the more bullies he brought himself towards her. Excuses never meant anything to me but this time they felt more annoying than any time. Besides licking society’s butholes, he was also a love sacrificing piece of shit. Who cares your partner almost got in a fight with some random gypsies on a dark street on her way back home from your shitass date, when you get some failed thrown reassurence through texts that reminds you of your mama 10 years ago. He had no mind of his own, no creativity, and was scared of breaking the slightest rule or someone’s opinon, but good thing he could break loyalty just to brag to his friends that he clapped cheeks for his first time.

He was not the Artyom to my Nikita. I hated him. The whole time I couldn’t do anything but hate him from my guts. My family liked him. Of course they did if he was licking boots left and right, including theirs. Everytime I’d try to leave him my family would stress me about it. After he got his driving license and a car, I stayed only for that. I thought I could use a warm vehicle during winter and an air conditioner during summer. But everything has a price, and he would stress me everytime about how I don’t love him because I didn’t want to have sex with him, when I was at the lowest I could get. He would tell me how he hates my cuts filled thighs, how disgusting they look, and that he can’t fuck me if I look like that. So I kept doing it. He would hate me everytime I was drinking, especially blacking out from it, everytime I smoked, and was down to throw a tantrum even if I’d chat with a female online, saying "that means I’ll have less time for him".

I’m an avoidant person, a quiter, and a professional hater. He was a servent of the society and an excesively affectionate retard with an anxious attachment. The moment I left him I felt nothing but pure relief. Like, wow. Finally outdid another humanoid creature in my life. Humanoid said with indulgence cause he was a fattie too. When you’re skinny you just have this absolute fucking luck of attracting the worst from these food greedy assholes.

A summary would be: never interact with society, and never interact especially with these overweight walking disasters. Let them rot in their own failed bodies and explode from all the scraps they fill their enourmous stomaches with. I was watched by my family while burning down and instead of getting some help with all the situations that were going on I got blamed for getting more and more affected. And getting told to solve my shit on my own. They watched me throw everything around my room, watched me come home crying more stressed by the retards around me than the academic perfection I wanted to reach, and never beleving me when I’d tell them that fuckass fattie was the ideal society soldier not a 4lifer. Hyprocrit of them, since they keep telling me everytime to die alone.

Chapter 2: The Internet

Because I spent 95% of my life on the internet, it is impossible to not write about it. As much as I consumed everything that stands in this category, a simple truth is that the internet is a complete bullshit created to control, destroy, and turn human into something which will make all of you wish you were classified as animals. Even an animal has more life into it and his own mind than what the human species ended up being. I used the internet as nothing but a coping mechanism. To forget about the problems in my life by filling my head with any type of content, from the worst to the best which actually brought me some joy, like the gameplays I’d watch as a kid, the hilarious vulgar animations which were making me laugh, and even the creativity back then. I always loved to see diversity and originality, to see something different. Everything vanished with time, and only because the human species itself let it happen again. I do believe and will forever stand by the idea that the internet has been created with a bad intention. Everything you find useful like the online dex, digital books, news, everything damages you without even realizing. As humans we always have put our mind to work in anything we wanted to do. We didn’t need an online dex to find a word because everyone had a phisical one. Even I do. That thick big book which I swear it has 1kg and nowadays most don’t even know it exists. We would search the word based on the first letter, second one, third one. We had libraries, we had cooking books, we had newspapers, we had tailors which now don’t even matter for most of you since you’re so used to fast fashion. One damaged cloth or pair of shoes, you throw it and buy a new one.

The internet destroyed jobs before AI started to open some of your eyes. But it didn’t open them wide enough. A movie quoted once "when you start to worry it is already too late" and I think it fits this situation. Everyone is worrying about how fast AI damaged the world but nobody is worried that none of you wouldn’t know how to survive in the wildness if you’ll ever need it. Nobody is worried that some of you wouldn’t know what to do with your lives if the power would suddenly shut down forever. Nobody is worried that the elite controlled you so well through the usage of the internet that you ended up being the same two types of people. You ended up being either a grumpy cult member obsessed with the idea of being the same person living the same slave life or an aggresive faggot obsessed with the idea of diversity to the point you drive everyone into psychosis and identity creasis which you try to normalize. And at the end of the day nobody sees how both parties are completely retarded and wrong. You only know that you have to fight each other because that’s exactly what the elite wants. Just consume your daily dosage of media, hate the other party, praise yours, and ignore the real problem which are the people we don’t see but are behind all of this.

Media created a lot of deaths as well. Suicides from internet bullying which can go to extreme like blackmailing and doxxing, stupid pranks and trends that put your life at risk, the psychopaths that created challanges like the blue wale or sites like the one which even now promotes suicide, also the brain-dead larpers promoting and spreading sites and apps that display gore and other acts of violence. Obviously crimes and suicides existed before the internet as well, so it’s not much of a shock that they also exist on the internet. Everything has to have a bad side as well or it wouldn’t have been created by a human.

AI has been a big step towards the fall of society and the perfect controlled lab rats. One now can’t even search his information which was already given to him on plate. Now everyone is one prompt away from publishing a book, create a website, generate an image or animation, even write an opinion which is not even theirs at this point. Destroyed more jobs, more creativity, and more skills. One more step towards all of you being some useless dependent vegetables. Not even celebrities with all the tons of money they have bother to create something of their own. But the difference between you and them is that in case the fall of the AI happens they have enough fat stacks to not even feel it.

Just think about it. What actual ruler have you seen to use media or the internet at all? If there’s an account it is managed by someone but never used by them. Maybe because they’re busy living the lives they don’t want us to reach. Maybe because they know the only product on the internet is the human being. Maybe because they know that all of it is bullshit sold to the society. News on TV or phone? Exactly what they want you to believe. The ads you find everywhere? Exactly the things they want to push down your throat and suffocate you with.

Do I see a fall of the internet in the fure? Not really. Depends if something else will kill everyone before it happens. It’s a tool way too powerful and useful for the elite to ever let it die, unless they will decide it’s time for the human species to end and they shut it to make everyone go feral and psychotic enough to kill themselves and others.

I see nothing useful in it. Just lost time you will never get back, and maybe this would’ve ended up in a better point if parents would’ve realized the world itself is not a safe place and giving your kid an iPad won’t keep him away from the dangers of life.

Chapter 3: The End of The World

I’m not even trying to warn you at this point cause it’s too late for a change, and there’s not much you can do about it. I do it just so I can look at you after my death and laugh knowing I was right. I know that people for example went before through ww2 and during that time they thought the end of the world came, but as I look at everything taking place at the moment I’m writing this, I don’t give the human spieces, nature, and planet in general, much hope.

A first real problem which causes realistic consequences is war. I read a little bit into each war taking place at the actual moment and all of them are idiots and money hungry pigs. And of course all the consequences fall on the citizens, unless they have enough money to start a brand new life in Honolulu. May the rich continue living while the working class loses everything. Then countries not involved in wars start campaigns for the refugees when the refugees have more money than the avarege family there. Besides the war countries, the others have to indirectly suffer from it as well. Like Russia cutting off gas supplies to Europe because at the start of 2025 Ukraine refused to renew the contract with them. Nobody wins anything from war and I’m telling you, you will live long damaging consequences from the ww3 I’m seeing in the future.

Another real problem which I saw many of you hate hearing about is global warming, which is understandable with all these idiots creating damages to solve one. There are better ways to spread awareness (I hate this word) about it than stopping a man’s car on the road who was trying to reach his pregnant wife in the hospital, or by trying to damage art pieces in museums. These are the same faggots who would try to defeat homophobia by chimping out. They do nothing but to worsen the problem because the more unprofessional you make it look, the more people will get pissed at it. The person sending the message is important, the method, and obviously, if there are realistic ways one can do anything about it and if there will be real changes. In such corrupted world, no. There won’t be any good changes or steps towards a better life because of the high power. A three takes at least 10 years to reach maturity depending on species and until then they don’t produce significant oxygen. And I can promise you that you don’t have that much time left to live. Whatever you would try to do right now is useless.

A lot of protests are taking place as well. They’ve been increasing over the last decade. Would’ve been an impressive good thing if you wouldn’t be fighting against the invincible. You can even shoot everyone in the government and the elite will send other people. Nothing will change and the consequences of "miss-behaving" will still come even indirectly. Nobody will be able to escape their control and I see a future of full control. Surveillance, physical and mental imprisonment, bureaucratic and corporate power, and obviously propaganda and ideology. The main future problems which some of you won’t even realize you’re living because of how good they will put it in practice. And if you don’t believe me, you’re actually alerady living all of them, just not at full potential.

I also see a new global sickness starting. Remember the global warming? Besides the sea-level rising, there will also be extremely old bacterias released in the water from the glaciers melting. I don’t want to make it sound unrealistic so I will only say that a lot of people will die, and possible for water to become something expensive to own which the government (or future corporation) will use to keep you in leash.

All of these being said, I’m gonna destroy your last hopes and tell you straight through this pathetic screen that all of this will happen in only 5 to maximum 10 years. Once reaching 2030 you will feel the end coming because some of the problems mentioned earlier will already have taken place. Some do need a little bit more time for it to happen but for most of you it will end in 2030, and what will be left living till 2035 are going to be the unlucky motherfuckers having to choose between dying or become a government toes sucker, at extremes far ahead from what you are already going through.

There’s nothing you can do and you’re exactly where they want you to be. I won’t even wish you good luck ironically. The human species brought this on itself.

Chapter 4: My View on Love

My love life has been tragically influenced by my family and my looks. Maybe by my personality as well since I often got told I’m unlikeable because I’m a creep. Not even categorized as a weirdo anymore. Just straight up creep.

As I mentioned in chapter 1, my family hates love, and I would too if I was such a miserable person like them. As a kid they would talk about it like it’s forbidden, and even hugs and holding hands was seen as a damage in someone’s life. If they did it "to keep me focused on school" they fucked up completely because not only that now I’m a neet but also I started to have out of norms beliefs as a kid. I started to believe the human being wasn’t allowed to marry outside the family and I started talking about how I will have an arranged mariage in the future with my baby cousin. I don’t feel any shame to say this because I know it wasn’t my fault. I was a kid threatened into having no social interactions with the opposite gender, and I was neglected. There were no small talks, I was alone all the time, and no one was there to tell me how life usually functions.

I used to not have hope in love before I turned 18. I had zero, even if I had 2 partners in highschool. It wasn’t because of what they did, but because I realized nobody is as perfect as me. I wanted only one partner. I wanted an Artyom to my Nikita, and to live together until death. I wanted to have my one person to hate the world with, to cause problems with, to set the world on fire with. I wanted someone just like me. Someone with the same wrath in soul, barely any morals, no hope for future, same interests, intelligent, and fearless. Someone I could become the perfect gods with. Nobody checked even 3 of these things and loyalty is very rare. Not the relationship type with the microcheating or whatever the internet is making up now. I mean full soul loyalty: if I do drugs you hide them with me, if we get in a physical fight that’s only our business, if I plan to die you’re coming with me, if the police questions you about me you saw nothing, if I murder someone you hide the body, if I fight with someone and I’m in the wrong you’re going to keep my back like I’m in the right, and I’ll do the same for you. One mistake and you become like everyone else. I’ve been alone my whole life and I do not fear being alone again. I leave as fast as I came, I dissapear, and in the worst case I will come knock you out if I hear a word about me.

After 18 I started to calculate the chances and I just started to realize that it’s impossible for the perfect partner to not exist. It’s a real big world, and if I exist the way I am, there needs to be someone out there just like me. It’s just the luck that fucks everything up. How many chances were there for me to meet my ride or die. But indeed I never lost my hope since then. Not the hope in finding them but the hope of them existing in the first place. A big difference from my family. Comparing myself to them, I would’ve had a chance at love in the future 10 times more real and powerful than everything they encountered their whole lives. Even if we would only be best friends. That connection counts more than 100 marriages. My family is full of idiots, fucking hypocritic cheating whores. They are all the garbage at the bottom of the pit then talks about how love should be something you get after you reach 30. This statement is so fucking retarded, that I will be going in details about each shit.

First of all, if I was someone else I wouldn’t have dated them either. They’re cheaters, fucking criminals (and not in a T.C.C. way), with a gypsy behavior and religious psychosis. They’re the exact people you’ll be catching in the first party from chapter 2. The truth is that I’m happy none of them found love and never will. I’m glad their relationships or marriages are going downhill, I’m glad their kids are troubled, I’m glad they never had a normal loving partner, I’m glad they spent parts of their lifes in jail, I’m glad they missed on everything. I don’t care that it makes them storm it on me. They must not see or feel a drop of love in their whole lives. And by love I mean whatever their perfect partner means . They wouldn’t be happy with my one and only, but they would be happy with theirs, and I’m glad they never found it. Not because I didn’t found mine, but because people like them deserve the worst. Not even a friend to spend a lonely evening with.

How did this affect my love life? I think it’s already pretty obvious. I didn’t got pushed to cheat, but I was isolated from having any interaction with the opposite gender. Having my first relationship has been fucking hell from all point of views. Besides the guy being a two-faced cunt, I rarely was allowed to go see him. It was so rare that the rest of my family doesn’t know even now that I had a partner before my ex. Only my mother knew and she was strict enough about it to barely let me out. Sometimes when I’d want to go out she wouldn’t let me only if I took my brother as well, also most of the time she wouldn’t let me for no reason and I’d end up fighting her. Not because she was actively trying to stop me from ever getting a partner, but because I was getting fed up with every aspect of my life getting controlled by idiots who failed their own lives.

I often got told they don’t want to see me married and having children, but also to not bitch around. Basically live a femcel life. But besides that also become a millionaire. Just like these chinese parents "Talk to me when you’re doctor". My family (not only my parents) would threaten me directly and indirectly about these things, and I got told multiple times in the face that they’re going to beat me and whatever partner up. Threats usually don’t work on me since I don’t like living anyway. Keep me at gunpoint and I’ll secretly hope you pull the trigger. Life is not worth living and I despite the human species.

As a final, I will end up dying knowing I would’ve met someone like me and live a hilarious life full of adventures, even die together if life wouldn’t have gotten better. Everything only if these retarded pigs would’ve stopped fucking around with what’s my business.

Chapter 5: My Experience with Bullying

I will drag this subject because nobody gave or gives a fuck, and nobody knows the full story besides me. Bullying was one of the worst things I had to experience especially with no one on my side.

As I mentioned in chapter 1, I did got picked on in kindergarten for nothing, but the worse bullying started in primary school. In kindergaten I only remember some specific situations I had to go through. I remember being hated on for no reason. First time I got sent to a kindergaten was when I was 3. I was a calm kid and I didn’t do a scene out of it. I never cried because I was left there, because I’m away from home, or whatever other reasons kids cry because of. It was only weird because I was in a place with people I didn’t know but I was coping because there were toys. I liked seeing new toys and so many types of them. The teacher was the weirdest in my eyes. An old lady, and from what I remember she was also fat. Zero emotions in what she was doing and her face was making me feel weird. I once went to kindergarten with a toy wristwatch. I don’t remember how it happened but a girl took it from me and she was laughing while running with it. I started to run after her through the kindergarten but it was impossible to catch her because in the middle of the room there were big tables put next to eachother and she kept running around them. I don’t remember if I got the watch back or not, if I told the teacher or if she gave it to me when the teacher entered the room.

I quit kinderdarten after half an year and stayed out of it for the rest of it. The next school year I got assigned into another kindergarten. This time it was a young lady. Black long hair and light eyes, probably blue. She was energetic, always with a smile on her face and she became friends with my mother. During this kindergarten I also achieved some things like joining a dancing club and being sent to contests, we were taken to the kindergarten’s park, we were doing activities outside when weather was good, but as always a tree has bad apples as well. My calm, understanding, and creative personality brought bad attention from other kids. I once had to use another girl’s paint because I didn’t had mine with me. Her name was Delia. Didn’t interacted with her, just as I didn’t interact with others. The time I had to use her paint she started to yell at the teacher and cry because I put water in her paint. Sounds stupid and it is stupid. They weren’t watercolors but water wasn’t damaging them either. They were these cheap paints in plastic jars. You could use water with them if you wanted to. When I changed colors and was getting ready to use black, I washed my brush in the can. I pressed the brush by the edge of it to get out the excesive water out but obviously you couldn’t dry it like it’s brand new and you didn’t even have to. The moment I dipped it in the black paint and a little water got left in it she started to yell how I ruined her paint telling the teacher like I did a crime. I remember I was really confused because I knew how paint works and I had the same ones at home. My luck was the teacher confirming that nothing got damaged and she put us back to work.

The fight with the boys also happened in this kindergaten. I was put to play with others but because nobody was interested in me they were making sure I stay out of it. Us the girls were supposed to play pretend. A toy kitchen with toy food. When they started to give each other roles like mother, father, kids, they gave me the role of the dog. I took it as I realized that meant doing nothing. I wasn’t a spoiled kid to want to have an important role anyway. I set on the floor only 10 seconds watching them play when I heard a boy giggle then I suddenly got pulled by my legs and dragged on the floor. I turned around while getting dragged and it was a blond boy named Valentin pulling me and laughing. When the others saw him they started to laugh and all of them came to drag me too. I started to kick my feet and hit everyone until the teacher returned in the room and saw them. She sent everyone back and I refused to "play" again so I got allowed to go draw alone as always.

When primary school started, first class which at that time it was called grade 0, was peaceful. Nobody knew anyone, everyone was more careful with their actions. At that time I was 6. I already knew to read and write which was above others. These things you learn in school after turning 7, while I learned it at home in my free time. I don’t remember any direct bullying during that grade, but I remember forgetting my toys in class and the next day they were broken. I didn’t brought my own toys again after that.

In 1st grade though, that’s when stuff started to happen. I was 7 and obviously smarter than others. I was getting bored in class because I already knew the things others were getting taught but I wasn’t making a big deal out if it. I was just happy that there were zero chances in failing anything. Social phobia worsened though. It was hard for me to do anything in front of others like siging, playing roles in christmas events, and there were no toys. I was entering any cultural contest and I was exceleting in everything. I was getting first place with perfect 100 scores. I won a lot of prizes during grade 1-4 but also a lot of hate. Because of my excelent work, skills like art and fast problem solving, parents of the other kids started to give me as an example, the teacher as well. My mother was very respected and liked by the others because of what I was. But while she was getting praised for what I was doing, I was getting the worst of it. Kids didn’t want to talk to me, they would make rude comments at me and my deskmates were changed very often because during pairs work I was moving too fast for them and they would start a fight out of it. Basic bullying we could call it. Random laughing, isolation, hair pullying, bad jokes. As I mentioned in chapter 1, the only skill I was laking was the social one. I was considered a weird person to interact with and how my personality was questionable and unsual. The way I was talking, my body language, the way I was expressing emotions which for example frustration was let out through out of the pocket lines. I learned to talk less and listen more once I realized how my way of being was making people see me as a freak. That’s how a girl befriended me. The fat fuck that later worsened the bullying for me. I will sotp giving named from now on because some people might realize who is behind this website by reading them. I’ll keep the names private until my final show. Let’s call her a basic american name, like Sophia. I was listening to her talk about the expensive stuff her mother was getting her, about her cat, about her vacations, about whatever. I must also mention that at that time my mother had a best friend which had a girl my age and was sent to the same school and class I was in. This one lady was always jealous on my mother, and everything my mother or I was doing she was coping with her daughter believing they will reach our level. Let’s call her daughter Olivia since she will also have a big impact in this chapter.

My interactions with Sophia were different from the ones with Olivia. I was around Sophia sometimes in school and when going home because we lived 2 minutes away from eachother. My mother said it was good to stay around her so I don’t come home allow, a little bit more safety. Her mother was happy to know I was around her since I was the best in our class. But a fake tolerance wasn’t enough to erase my ability of reading people. She was spoiled and had a superiority complex. An outgoing person with a lot of friends and everything she wanted on a plate. Deep down I couldn’t stand her especially that we had nothing in common, just like I had nothing in common with anyone. Olivia on the other hand, I was staying away from her. I only saw her when our mother would meet and we were put to tolerate each other. She was just like Sophia, the only difference is that she was much dumber. Literally a walking zombie, zero brain inside that head but a lot of superiority. When I reached the 4th grade, as I said before, I was going home with Sophia as always. While she was talking again about what she did in an expensive trip I suddenly realized I should stop taking shit from others. I did nothing besides looking at her and telling to stop telling me these things because I don’t care. That’s when her fragile ego got hurt for the first time in her life and her true face showed up. She started a fight on the street then walked alone home and I did too. That’s when she started to make others hate me more and more since she was a liked classmate for being "cool". At the end of the 4th grade, when I was 10, the whole class went in a trip in the mountains for like 3 days. Some parents had to come with us besides the teacher and some of them were Olivia’s mother and mine. I didn’t had anyone to share my dorm with the most calm 3 girls got choosen to stay with me. But I was already a walking bad luck charm for others. During the trip others would meet and have fun activities in each other’s dorms while me and the other 3 girls were left out. They were left out because they were with me. At some point the others even broke into our dorm and started to do a mess in our dorm while we were in it, destroying our beds, our stuff. The mothers next dorm heard the noises and came and got them out. My mother told us to ignore them and that we can have fun without them, but it was obvious that the girls were tired of my bad luck already. During a walk through the forest when we were walking back to the camp and it was dark outside, I was walking away from others alone. The girls were walking with them. That’ when Olivia came to me and started to tell me how I will lose everyone, how I’ll never have anyone, I’ll never be liked, and how she will make sure of it. That’s when the tiredness on everything took a roll on me, I started to silently cry and walk slow, letting the mothers, teacher, and other kids walk in front of me so they don’t see. I don’t remember if my mother or the teacher noticed that I wasn’t around, but they saw me walking long behind and sobbing. I got asked what happened, I told them exactly what happened, as always they told me to ignore others, but I wanted to see some action already. I wanted them to get in trouble for once, to see some justice get made for me. It didn’t happen.

In 5th grade, the start of middle school, I was 11. Group and pair projects were a nightmare to me as always. I didn’t even needed a group. I was able to do everything 10 times better alone than any group, but the teachers never let me do it since these were the exercises’ request. In group projects I was going with 2 girls I shared a dorm with (because one moved to the art school), another short blond girl which was friends with one of the 2 and sadly Sophia since group projects always asked for 5 people. Sophia was invited by the other girls, not me. During primary school there was also a girl who was isolated because she was poor. They were calling her dirty. The 5th grade was no different for her either. All the girls from the class got selected for the school’s choir, no matter if you had a good voice or not. They didn’t cared. They just needed people. One day we got given papers and put in the school’s gym to exercise our song. I considered overall by everone as the girl with the best voice. I was good in music too, and a proof is that at the end of the 5th grade I got my piano diploma. 3 years of studying at another school outside my main one. This one girl which was considered dirty was alone on a bench away from us. She didn’t want to sing because she knew her voice wasn’t made for that. Understandable. Completely her choice. What pissed me off was when girls didn’t even exercise the song. They were looking at her, doing dumb comments, and laughing. I was taking every school activity seriously and them ruining my practice time as well just for them to act smart really made me snap. I started to yell at them to leave her alone, started to shame their own voices knowing no one could say a word about mine, and they went quiet. All of them gave me a weird look. I went to sit next to this girl on the bench and told her to not stress about what they say because their voices aren’t even better. After all if they really were going to choose us after voice, only 3 of us would get selected maximum. The girl told me that I’m not supposed to argue for her but I told her that I’m already tired of their bullshit in general. She told me her name, I told her mine, because even if we’ve been in the same class for 5 years we never talked. Then I just started to explain to her the notes that needed to be reached in the song and what she was doing wrong while singing. That was the first and last time I let myself speak. I couldn’t do anything weird when explaining just some basing music things.

Later that day, after that class, we had one where we were supposed to work in group. These groups were already enstablished from some days ago. I was supposed to be with the same group at my desk. When I entered class, I went to my desk but no one was there. I thought they just decided to move places. I picked my stuff up and I went to my group which was at Sophia’s desk. I asked if the group wasn’t supposed to be at my desk and the other 4 girls looked at the floor our of shame. Sophia turned around and told me straight that I’m kicked out of the group. I said that they can’t do that because no matter what they need a 5th person and I needed a group. She told me that they don’t care and to go solve this myself. I started to panic cause I didn’t knew what to say to the teacher. I just set at my desk and I broke out again. I hated crying, especially in front of others, but the tears just came out themselves. I thought I’ll be the one taking a bad grade just because some idiots wouldn’t take me in any group. When the teacher arrived and saw me crying and not even in a group as it supposed to be, she asked me what happened. Told her everything but again, justice didn’t got served. Nobody got scolded, and I can’t remember if she put me in a group herself or if I worked alone.

In 6th grade things were the same. People were making fun of me whatever I was doing, wherever I was going. One specific flashback I have is when I tried to join a free club at school which was teaching basic health and safety training such as teaching CPR, first aid, and other safety courses. Such club existed since 5th grade and some of my classmates went to it from the start but at that time I was too busy with getting my piano diploma. In 6th grade I finished the music school so I had nothing to do in my free time and so I joined this club. Big terrible mistake. I don’t even remember going twice to the meetings because the moment my classmates saw me there they instantly started to attack me about it. After the first course they came and told me that I had no business to be there, that I’m not even good or interested in biology, and that I’m such a loser for wanting to do everything others do. I dropped the club right away and I don’t remember joining another one ever again. During this same grade my parents divorced and my mom sent me to the school’s counselor out of nowhere. Was visible that she actually didn’t want to pay a real professional so she just randomly told me one day that I have to see this one lady at school and not tell anyone. An insufferable hour and person. She only asked me about my parent’s divorce. Not even about how I feel about it. Just asking stuff as if she was noting gossips down; "When did they fought? Why? Who was your mom seeing? Why was your dad doing that?". After an hour of straight up asking about personal informations which I stated I wasn’t comfortable with sharing from the start, she asked me if I got any other problems. She was a school staff so I took advantage and told her I was getting bullied. She asked me in what way so I started to give her specific example of how I was crowded in breaks, how they were taking photos of me from my mom’s Facebook account and were making memes of my face then posting them around, the threats I was waking up with on my phone every morning, and all she had to say has been "Just ignore them" then she sent me back to class. I hated that so much that when I arrived home I lied to my mom that the lady didn’t asked to see her and that everything was alright. Mostly because my mom was punishing me whenever I’d say anything personal about me or the family to someone else and I was scared she’s going to beat me up for answering a counselor’s questions. But that’s just another funny topic.

I don’t remember exactly if around the end of the 6th grade or the start of the 7th grade I got close to a girl. It’s much to say that we were friends because we weren’t. There were some traits but now that I think about it after almost 7 years, I think she was around me to make fun of me. Either this or she didn’t know how to tell me to fuck off. Her real name was Ana. I don’t remember how we started talking because she was already in a friend group. And surprise surprise her group was full of girls that hated me. But she was laughing around me, joking, and they weren’t about me. She wasn’t insulting me, she wasn’t rude, and if you closed an eye on her friend group she sounded like someone who could be a real best friend. I saw some potetional that others would see as questionable and maybe the loneliness made me delusional as well when looking at her. We never went out but we were texting outside classes and spending breaks walking together talking about nonsense. She was telling me we will get married, that I am her wife, her love, and we were jokingly acting like we were in a relationship. We were questioning each other if we are cheating, threatening with divorces, but at the same time she was telling me on what boys she had crushes on and I was telling her how I couldn’t date someone even if I wanted to.

All of that has been enjoyable from my perspective until one day when her friend group started to restrict her from talking to me. When we were walking outside during breaks her group would come saying things as if they had to tell her something in private and was pulling her away then she was never returning. I was left behind alone and I was starting to slowly lose it. I was always asking her what they kept having to tell her everyday and what she was telling me didn’t felt true. I felt betrayed and it hurt a lot since I thought I found a piece of normality in my school. In my 12-13 years old brain only revenge came up and nothing hurt more in middle schools at that time than exposing someone’s crush. She liked this one boy from another class and since I was too antisocial and not comfortable with talking to people, I couldn’t go tell him. So I watched him over the day and I realized he was spending time with a boy from my class. My only idea was to go tell that boy to send the message. Biggest mistake ever. That boy, let’s call him Noah went and told Ana about it. I was then confronted about how I’m such an evil person and that she’s done with me. Everyone laughed. And it didn’t stopped there. Everyday there was something. The news went through the whole school and everyone had a problem with me, even people who never met me personally. There were days when groups of girls would come to me in breaks when they were finding me sitting alone away from everyone and they would yell at me, insult me, curse me in everyway, threatening me that they will destroy my life, beat me up, whatever and whatever. I didn’t really cared. At that point there was already one year since my first attempt so I was doing nothing besides standing up and starting to walk away. They were following me and barking but none put their hands on me.

Or at least no girls. Boys instead gave me bigger headaches. They loved to push me, hit my arms, try to break my wrists, were doing obscene gestures behind my back, and were randomly slapping my ass when I wasn’t looking. I had many physical fights with them especially that I didn’t liked being touched. I never got in trouble for them because no boy would go tell a teacher that a girl beat him or that he fought with one.

Still during 7th grade I lost my mind one morning. I don’t remember what happened that triggered me so bad but I wrote Ana a fat ass paragrapgh raging and cursing her to the oblivion. During the first class which was P.E. I saw all the girls gathering around her and started to lgaugh at her phone and me at the same time. I never wanted to blow a building and my head more than at that moment. Some classes later we had one with our main teacher. I haven’t seen this coming but I couldn’t care less. Before anything started the girls suddenly told the teacher what happened that morning and how I sent the rudest message to Ana. The teacher didn’t want to believe me since I was the perfect and the smartest student in class. They asked for permission so Ana can go grab her phone and show her the message unless I deleted it. Which I didn’t. The teacher started to read it and everyone around me was mocking me saying that I fucked up and that my mom will beat the shit out of me at home. I didn’t do anything and just waited for her to finish reading. She was obviously angry and in disbelief telling me that she expected more from me, that she didn’t knew I’m uneducated, and overall that I fucked up.

My grades started to drop lower and lower even if I did tried to keep up. The teacher became rude to me, even them making fun of me in front of the class. At some point my history teacher even called me "the queen of losers" or "the queen of dumbasses".

Every some days I was getting texted threats on my phone, some of them straight up by my classmates, some by anonymous accounts. They were telling me that they will catch me, beat the shit out of me, break my neck, and whatever else. I told my mom once about this and she told me "These are your problems. Solve them alone." and so I did. Everytime I was getting texted such I was accepting to meet with them at specific hours at school to fight. But since the girls were always only barking and no biting, they never showed up. There has been times when mothers contacted my mom to tell her to fix my behavior because it’s not acceptable for me to want to fight their daughters even though they were the first ones to tell me to show up if I’m not a pussy. She was getting pissed at me of course and everytime she would take my iPad or phone away as punishment saying that if they’re taken away I can’t text these girls anymore.

After I finished middle school I thought it will finally be over. That I will get a fresh new start and I’ll have some peace. At first it wasn’t that bad. A girl that used to be in my class in middle school ended up in the same highschool and class as me, but we were making sure to act like we don’t know about each other’s existence. During the first meeting of the class another fatass came to befriend me. Let’s call her Camila. I didn’t want to have friends or to communicate with anyone at all in highschool but when she came up to me I thought that I will already create myself problems if I don’t accept to be friends with her, so I did. I didn’t payed much attention to her. She was following me around, showing me random garbage on her phone, telling me all different kind of gossips, and at some point almost after like an year I started to keep her around only for cigarettes and alcohol. Since she was a fat fuck, she was looking older than me. And because I got a stupid baby face. So she wasn’t really asked for ID in stores and if she was they were believing her fake ID photo. I always found her insufferable. I was the type to not care what others do, looknig for silence, obsessing over hobbies, and after all I wasn’t in all my minds either. I was sensitive to stress, starting fights from small things, was always saying the blank truth even if I was seen as rude, and sometimes saying concerning stuff out of nowhere which even made my art teacher question me if I’m seeing a professional and if I’m being medicated. Nothing was on purpose. Meanwhile she was all in people’s businesses, judging everyone, doing random things for attention, and sometimes I was even feeling like she was copying me. Trying to sound like she’s into the same things as me but knew nothing about them, trying to organize her shit like me, and she was even laughing about my first ex while we were in a relationship. Everytime I’d tell her to stop fucking around me or I would accept to never talk again she was showing up to my desk after 2-3 days trying to get me to talk to her.

After an year and a half I finally snapped and confronted her in front of a lot of people at the special smoking area made by my highschool. I don’t remember what exactly was the trigger but I remember people around me telling me how bad she was talking about me for no reason and that she was giving personal informations about me away. There were many conflicts between us and a lot of bullshit went back and forward.

In highschool my classmates were seeing me as weird and boring. Boring because I wasn’t into partying, I didn’t had friends, and was too private about everything. Still they didn’t actively try to fight with me. Just completely ignore me which I was alright with. What I didn’t saw it coming, again, was the start of external harassment. After my first ex broke up with me he kept coming back to me then leaving after a week, then returning after a month, and so on. I found out after a half of year of waiting for him to return that he’s been actually jumping between me and another girl and basically was trying to date us both. When one didn’t want to fuck him he was going to the other. Meanwhile he was also talking very disgustingly about me for no reason. Let’s call this guy Oliver and the girl Evelyn. Evelyn was with a year younger than us and all of us three were studying to different highschools. This girl which was also dating him knew about me while I didn’t knew about her. I found out about her much much later, as I said, half a year later. We started to text when I posted publicly a death towards both of them without mentioning their and she texted me to question me if it was about them. She then kept talking bad about my or our ex let’s say. She sent me screenshots of conversations she had with my ex during their relationship and he was making remarks about how I am extremely ugly, that my body is unfuckable, that I’m a whore and so on. He was supporting her and his friends into making fun of me. I obviously got mad and texted him. We had a long talk full of crap but he didn’t want to meet up and just fight. During that exact night I met my second ex which became my best friend very fast. His name will be Theodore and he’s been in the same middleschool with me and Evelyn but again everyone in different classes. He’s also my age in case it makes any difference in the story. Me and Theodore instantly started to bond the moment we realized we both know and hate both Oliver and Evelyn. He sided with me in my story and he told me that he knew about me from her but he never wanted to hate on me cause he never met me personally. That’s when he sent me screenshots of his conversations with Evelyn showing me groups she made to talk about me, questioning every person possible if they knew any informations about me, calling me all type of names, saying that I should die alone because of how musty I look, and that she can’t believe my ex has been able to get hard everytime he fucked me. I obviously confronted her about that, she kept finding excuses, and saying that she was under my ex’s influence and that she feels sorry about it.

Not long after that I received a text from a classmate which I never talked to saying that he found out that a group of boys from another highschool wanted to come the next day to our school to beat me up because I got in troubles with some girl. He adviced me to not come to school the next day and I told him to direct the message back that I will be coming to school, the hour we finish classes, and that I’m waiting for them. The next day no one came but after debating with Theodore I just ended up at the conclusion that it can’t be anyone else behind this than Evelyn. I texted her the threat I received and just told her that I’m coming to her highschool the next day to beat her up for the useless headaches she’s giving me. She tried to pull herself out of it again and ended up asking to meet up to talk calmly about the whole situation, from Oliver to how it ended up to death threats. We met up and she started to talk only dogshit informations about her relationship with him and was just acting shocked that he basically cheated on both of us. She went home and I went to my classes with no fight happening. It was complete day time in the middle of a park full of people and kids. I couldn’t start a fight or it would’ve been stopped right after the first punch.

When I thought I finally thought some problems got settled more or less, another wave hit. My hate towards Evelyn never faded and she was trying to befriend Theodore after we got in a relationship which I was obviously not okay with. After all we have been cheated on with each other and we weren’t supposed to have contact ever again in any way. After I made myself understood with this boundary, another wave hit. I asked Theodore from the start to never tell other people anything that happens in our relationship since that’s what my ex did. All I wanted was a fair, peaceful, and private relationship where I could feel safe and I could love without fearing. He promised me that but of course that it was another idiotic person hitting me with crap thinking I won’t find out. Around 6 months later from the drama with Evelyn me and her had a last time fight. I really don’t remember how it started but Theodore got in a conflict with her and I was watching the messages in real time. At some she passed her phone to one of her frined and she texted something very specific that happened in our relationship but in a derogatory way. Both me and him were speechless and I instantly lost my mind and wanting to text her to meet up to fight. Theodore told me not to because I will look like a frustrated fuck and so that’s how I realized I should be beating him first hand. He spoiled the truth saying he told only one of his friends but he never expected him to pass the information to other people, especially that he asked him not to.

That was one of the worst things to happen to me too. Bullying as a whole was the worst thing to ever happen to me and this was not even a day to day explicit writing. In highschool I had many fights as well but mostly because I kept finding out that girls talk dogshit about me. And so I always went to confront them no matter if in class, in the bus station, or wherever I was catching them. You get tired at some point and instead of walking away you just want to punch everyone in the face to make them realize that their own actions also have consequences. That I’m not a loser just because I like being alone and that I don’t fear anything. Especially that I don’t fear anything. There’s nothing and no one that can silence me.

Chapter 6: Biggest Pedophile and 4 Years of Stress

I met a lot of pedophiles in my life. Either on the internet, on the street, at other girls, or the worst ever at school. I always loved making fun of pedophiles and I hated them deep from my heart. I always mocked them, made fun of them, and ragebaited them so hard that some even threatened to catch me on the street and beat me up. The ragebait always being "I’m taking this to the police". Not a creative thing, but works well on these retards. Still let me tell you what happens when there’s a big power and dynamic difference.

It started slow but it escalated fast right from the first year of highschool. I was 15 and I chose a specialization which deals more with literature (very hypocritic since I don’t like reading), history, geography, and less with scientific studies such as math, biology, physics, and the list goes on. That means that computer science was also not important for me or my classmates. Still it was mandatory to do them and have a small examen at the end of the highschool. Since the exam wasn’t so important to us, during highschool we were allowed to do whatever during computer science classes such as scrolling on phone, talk to each other quietly, study for other classes, and anything else as long as you were present.

As I mentioned before, I was a loner and boring to the others. The fatty liked to go talk to others so I was most of the time sitting alone in computer science classes. I don’t even remember how it started, what was my teacher’s first interaction with me, and where it went completely downhill, but the oldest incident I remember is at the end of one class. At that time my classmates were already doing jokes (which at that time felt inoffesive) about me and this teacher having something going on, but this one moment really made my classmates go from joking to actually asking me what the fuck is going on. I remember I was wearing some handmade fingerless gloves and when I stood up to pack my things this teacher, which I will name Henry, came to me. I don’t remember if he told me something before all of this but he suddenly asked me if I did my gloves myself. I wasn’t used to someone coming to socialize with me so I chuckled and answered proudly that yes, especially that I liked my gloves no matter if they made me look homeless. What I did not expect was for disgusting fag to grab my hands in front of everyone and caress them. He went silent for a second then he looked at me and told me something I can’t really remember. Probably that he likes them, that it’s interesting that I made them myself, or whatever else about this subject. I gave a rushed smile, grabbed my back, and left. Maybe you think this wasn’t a big thing, but remember that this made some girls come to me right after we passed the door to ask me what the fuck did he wanted from me. Which is weird for a 15 years old. Especially for one who knew no one can find her attractive so deep down I was denying that any of this could mean anything.

The second oldest incident I can remember was at the of a test. No preparation for it all. We didn’t cared about it and neither our teacher did. He just sent us a link on our phones and told us to take it, basically at luck. This one happened during the second year of highschool while the first one happened during the first before I had my first boyfriend. The test happened after some months after our break up, basically the period when Oliver kept playing with me and making me wait for him. During this quiz I had a dramatic conversation with him, something about how he doesn’t want to talk to me again because he doesn’t want something serious. I kept jumping between the test and the chat during the class, trying to pay attention to both but it only made me fail the questions more and more. At the end of the class I ended up having a score of 60 points out of 100. When I was packing my stuff again Henry came to me and asked me how much did I scored. I was used to being a good student from middle school so I told him shamelessly my score and rushed to excuse myself saying that I had a problem to solve during the test and couldn’t focus fully. He told me it was fine, which is an acceptable answer, but it got followed by "You don’t have to worry about your grade. You know we can fix it.". Then he left smiling back to his desk. Everyone heard it and I never felt more embarassed in my life. I got asked again what is going on and I had to explain everything so there wouldn’t be rumours about me fucking a damn teacher. Everyone called Henry a weirdo and I was glad that no one jumped to conclusions right away, but the panic started to raise. The way he said it loud enough for everyone to hear it even though he was always walking close to me when I was packing my things was so disgusting. I didn’t knew if he really was pedophile or he just targeted me out of nowhere and wanted to ruin my reputation.

The more time passed, the more I realized it wasn’t about my reputation. Or at least that wasn’t his goal but he was using it to stress me into behaving. On March 19th, 2023 I got my second boyfriend, and because I liked my life being private Henry didn’t know about him until one point during the 3rd year of highschool when I was 17. I don’t remember the order of the incidents but a lot happened during this year. I’ve been cutting myself since I was 15. It wasn’t new to me but I knew to hide it well. This one class it was during winter when I was dressing myself thick so I don’t be cold outside but it was very warm in classrooms so I pulled up the sleeves of my blouse. I did it because the cuts didn’t looked like cuts and they were already half way through healing. They were on the out part of my left arm as well. I was playing games on the computer and he came to me to ask me something stupid again. He was trying every class to start a conversation with me either about school, about the games I was playing, stuff like this. Then after he saw I wasn’t really focusing on the conversation and paying more attention to my game he asked me out loud what were things on my arm. I paused the game and I told him that my dog scratched me when we were playing. That he tried to bite my arm and I pulled it away in time but still succeeded to leave a mark. He straight up told me that he doesn’t believe me and that he thinks it’s something else. I started to panic and laughed it off saying that I can show him a photo of my dog if he doesn’t believe me, then he walked away. I felt horrible especially that classmates were sitting next to me. It brought everyone’s attention to something which I promise you that no one noticed for 30min in which I needed my arms to cool down.

During this same year, later in winter he once came to me and did, maybe the weirdest thing he ever did, which however you put it there is no excuse. He started a conversation as always while I was playing and he told me that recently he saw me with a boy at the bus station and asked me if he was my boyfriend. I wasn’t comfortable with telling people about my private life so I just brushed it off saying that he’s just a friend who picks me up from school sometimes. Instead of just accepting my answer he kept pushing the subject and trying to make me confirm that he was my partner. Instead I just told him that I’d rather focus on school and to let the subject die. I denied it till the end and he left. But the subject never died. Since then whenever he was coming to talk to me he was asking me about my boyfriend; how old is he, what’s his name, where he studies, if I like him, and all types of questions. I always answered his questions but he still asked me everytime the same things like I didn’t told him before. My ex was very pissed about his behavior in general and he was even more pissed that I had nothing to do about it. If I went into conflict he could’ve made me fail highschool, especially that my teachers weren’t a fan of me because of my loneliness and fashion style. And maybe because I kept getting in conflicts with my classmates too.

Same year when I was doing a homework during his class he came and complimented my handwriting. Wasn’t new to me since I knew my handwriting was unique and beautiful. I accepted his compliment and continued my homework but of course he wasn’t done yet. He then told me that he wants to have a paper of my handwriting. I started to panic again and I told him that I don’t know what I can give him but if he wanted he could get an older homework paper which I didn’t need anymore. He rejected the offer and told me to write him a letter instead. I obviously didn’t liked the idea and said that I can’t do such since I wouldn’t even know what to write into one. No one would. He was a teacher and the only letters I’ve ever written has been towards my partners during Valentine’s Days. He told me to write about whatever I want but when he noticed I was silent and didn’t confirmed to do such he straighted up and said out loud that if I won’t write him a letter he will give a test to the whole class so he then can keep my paper. At this point everyone was looking at me since they knew he was mad enough to not say it only as a joke. I chuckled nervously and told him that it’s no need for such and that I’ll write him a letter one day when I have time besides all the school work. He nodded and left. I never wrote him the letter and he didn’t brought up the subject again. At least from what I remember.

The last really bad incident I remember was when I felt my safety threatened to the fullest. Was during my last highschool year and I was already 18. I think it was around the start of spring when there was nothing else besides focusing for the final exams. Everyone was making deals with teachers to be allowed to skip the classes which weren’t about the final exams so we can have more time to study for them. One day when we were having a longer day we got communicated during it by the principal that the teacher we were supposed to do the last two hours wasn’t in school due to personal reasons. After the last class everyone packed their stuff and left. I was left behind with my deskmate and other 7-8 classmates which were packing their own things and debating what to do after school. Right when we all went to the stairs Henry was coming up towards. He questioned where we were going and a classmates explained to him that we were free to go. He frowned and told us that he got sent to keep the place of the missing teacher. We were confused and mad about it, adding the fact that we didn’t got informed this and that the rest were already gone. He took us back in the class and told us to text the others to come back or he will note down the absents. Nobody gave a fuck on the group chat, saying that they either can’t return back now or that they don’t give a fuck enough to return so we ended up 9 student sitting awkwardly in silence on our phones in class with him watching us. During this period he tried to make conversation by asking what were me and my deskmate laughing at on her phone. When one hour out of two finished he stood up and told us we can go cause he was actually never sent to watch over us. That he had a free hours between his classes and he wanted company. My classmates got very pissed about it, packed their stuff and left. I was slower than other and I got left behind alone with my deskmate which was waiting for me. He walked towards me then he mentioned my name to my classmate and asked her if aren’t I such a cool person. My deskmate got awkward too and gave a souless yeah. To break this unsettling atmosphere I asked chuckling what did I even do this time while trying to hurry with my stuff to which he answered with "Not something you did, but something you will do". I froze and told him what does he even mean by that and he brushed it off by laughing. I grabbed my jacket, excused myself, and then we left. That day I took the same bus as my deskmate; the first bus that arrived.

I barely showed up to his classes after that which probably annoyed him cause he suddenly started to care about presence at his classes and threatened the class to start writing absences down. He did exchanged some words from time to time with me but not as before. It was almost the end of highschool anyway.

It might not even seem as a lot but 4 years of "lord I hope he shuts up at least this one class" were very exhausting and the threats weren’t easy to brush off. I’m glad everyone saw the creep I was seeing too and I didn’t had to deal with even more than this, but I’ll never forget. All that embarassement and extra stress besides the bullying and school work affected me more than I can say out loud. It felt horrible to not be able to do much as a person who was accepting to meet up and fight with everyone. He wasn’t even the only pedophile in the highschool. There were many which had horrible stories going through students but I assume no one could’ve ever done anything since they’re still teaching till this day.

Chapter 7: Why there’s NO Future for Me

There’s a reason I didn’t named this chapter "Why I can’t see a future" or "Why I don’t see a future" because it’s not about a perspective here. It’s about pure fact. I don’t have a future and I’ve never seen one for myself. Neither when I was a kid, neither when I was a teen, neither now. I still find it disgusting how families would push you to find a career you like since you’re a kid instead of waiting to see if you discover one yourself, and if not then search into the problem of why not. Whenever I got asked what I want to do in the future and I always answered that I have no idea I always got scolded about how I was saying as a kid that I will be a veterinary or an arhitect or whatever delusion I was coming up with as a kid, but no. I never had aspirations. I only gave people an answer to the question they kept asking me until I started to grow up and realized more and more that giving answers will not get me a blanket in the future to warm me up.

I never felt like I fit a role and I never found a job attractive or life itself. I never saw myself enjoying a 9 to 6 job life but neither living as a traditional wife. I never wanted to live broke but getting rich isn’t what I wanted ever either. And every single time when I answer with "I don’t know" and some cock sucking sheep tells me what job I should get it just pushes me more and more into wanting to dissapear forever. Not because I’m scared of work, of failing, or of doing anything in general. I could do this if I wanted to. I could join the army as my family always pushed me to, but what’s the point? I could get into basically any college that makes me graduate into a wealthy job, but what’s the point? And if you want to see how right I am, go test it. Go ask someone, anyone, about what’s the point of doing all of this. What’s the point of studying, what’s the point of working, what’s the point of doing what the society pushes you to do, and watch them answer with an argument which has nothing to do with you. The answer? To make money. That’s the main answer, and the subanswers being "to be able to travel, to be famous, to have a status in the society, to buy what you want when you want". But what do I want? Do I really want money or is that what YOU want? Would traveling actually bring me any type of pleasure or would it bring it to YOU?

The more I lived the more I realized there isn’t a single goal created on earth worth living for. Society says having money is the supreme aspiration; a part of society also says having a family is the supreme aspiration, which realistically talking it’s still connected to money. But I look at both and I’m not satisfied. None of this is worth living for and it would truly not fulfill me.

I don’t want to live for something not worth doing it and so when I’m put to talk about my future I see nothing. Pitch black. Can I actually say this out loud? No. I did some times and it went just as expected. Got lectured about how I used to be something as a kid, how I’d have actual answers, and about how I’m such an impossible person like I’m the one who created life itself. As if, if I could I wouldn’t just nuke the planet and kill us all so we can finish this bullshit already. This mentally exhausting loop where you get born without consent, get pushed to be something others decide, then die.

I never said I want to or decided to not have a future, but it is true that I’m more woke and intelligent than everyone and I got born passed a barrier which always let me see the truth. That nothing is worth it, nothing makes sense, life is actually a curse, and everyone contributing to this is pure evil. I got told by people online that I am right but "there’s nothing I can do about it besides just going with the flow". Well I’m glad to dissapoint everyone and tell you that there’s something I can and will do which will actually free me of all of this. Maybe the moment you will be reading this I will have already solved the puzzle and broke the curse for a whole generation.

Chapter 8: How do I View Myself

Despite everything that happened to me I see myself as a true miracle which has been neglected, misunderstood to the oblivion, and silenced. I am a true miracle and I’ve never seen anyone else like this ever, no matter what they did or told me. I’ve never seen my awarness ability, intelligence, perception, and capacity of solving one’s problem in no one, and it’s never been a goal of mine either.

If the world believes super powers don’t exist is because I’ve never talked about mine and never will ever besides this ridiculous book which will be read after my death. I don’t think I was born with a goal or a mission. I actually not only think but know that I wasn’t supposed to be born at all. I wasn’t supposed to be disturbed at all from the place I came from and because they did I got born to be a walking unluck charm to everyone around me and bring suffering to the selfish ones which brought me here. Very amusing if you compare this to the coping mechanism my family always had by saying "I got born to do better, save them, and help them".

On an outer layer, basically what others see, I can’t get stuck to only one opinion. I’ve acted mostly different with everyone I’ve ever interacted with. Some people only got to see a worthless mask I learned to mimic, some people got to see what they didn’t wish to, and some people even got to feel what I’m capable of as well. That’s why family, partners, and "friends" will name me weird if you’ll ask them to describe me. Because they can’t call me sweet, warm, and loving even I played such role sometimes for the sake of my peace and receiving things I needed, but they also can’t call me a rude, unempathetic, and cold person either since my intelligence wasn’t built to reject basic humanoid functions. So weird always fit for a calm quiet person who empathizes with animals and nature, cracks a laugh at a controversial joke, and smiles if they see their favourite color on a t-shirt, but who also gets unusually serious, angry, and uncooperative.

My family also calls me impassive and recalcitrant which I can not deny, but I wouldn’t say that’s all I am. That’s just my rebellion against what the human species built themselves to be. So of course when you reject to build someone else’s dream they start to throw dirt at you.

I don’t find myself as neither a good or bad person. I won’t fall for such propaganda since no one is in the right to say what’s wrong and right. The world got created out of nothing and mortals are not even at the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what’s beyond what we live, see, and ever experience. I’m bad for some people, good for some, and I won’t weight anyone’s opinion when I know I am more than one can perceive.

Do I ever plan to make a change? Never. Not only because I wouldn’t change what I am for someone, but also because there’s nothing to be changed. I am not a diet to look at and decide what’s wrong with it to make it. I am what I am and who I am and I will be myself till the point of death.

Chapter 9: Wasted Time or Wasted Potential

I think of this all the time. Not of the question itself but about my potential because I’ve never saw myself as a wasted time. Besides my low will to live and no future I still had hobbies which I loved a lot and I always felt like doing something instead of losing hours. Sadly, these hobbies hasn’t been appreciated enough. Nobody talks about how they are seen as a good thing only when you’re a kid, then they turn into flaws in front of others.

I always loved art for as long as I can remember. It became my best friend when I was alone, my confidence when I was doing bad, and the base of my personality. It built me into noticing paterns, small details, and appreciating effort. Art isn’t easy, and by art I don’t only mean drawing. The word art became to me creation as a whole. Anything you create yourself with your own hands is art. I believe this could’ve ended up into something beautiful if it would’ve been supported properly. Instead, it got more and more silenced. This hobby brought some appreciation from my family as a child until I turned 10. After all anyone would like their kid sitting in the room all day instead of going out to play with other kids, right? I was ahead of my time; my art was better than the avarege person my age, and creative. I joined a free art club outside school too but as always life is unfair. There were all ages in the club and obviously the painting of a 8 years old couldn’t be compared to a 15 years old, so my sheets never got sent to competitions. The oldest was always picked for that so I quit when I turned 10 and my mother started to threaten be that I better continue being good in school if I keep going to the clubs in my free time. In middle school passing from 5th to 6th grade she came with the idea of art school which didn’t sound bad at all, but I was a kid and anxious of meeting new people even if I was living hell at the one I was studying, so I declined the offer first time. It didn’t took me much time to change my mind though. I was thinking that besides having more time for art I will also have a fresh new start and escape bullying, but my mom changed her mind as fast as I did and declined my offer back saying that if I studied so far at my school I should keep going here because "I was already known as the smart kid and everyone’s parents loved me". Funny how only mine didn’t. Studying in the same place didn’t stopped me fully from art. I was joining competitions at school every single time and I became the only one in my class participating in them. I was winning diplomas from contests, and my paintings and drawings were exposed on the hallways when I was doing them for other school events, which felt good. Sadly, it became moer hatred by family. Maybe because my grades were gradually dropping or because of how they were saying "it’s an activity for kids". Instead of getting supported into making a career out of passion, I started getting scolded everytime I was getting caught drawing or journaling at home. At the end of middle school I really wanted to join the art highschool but my mother once again blocked this dream for me because based on her opinion "it is a highschool for stupid losers with no future" so she sent me to one which was known as the best highschool in town where "only smart kids were accepted".

I’ve got admited there but I still didn’t stopped creating. I couldn’t. That was all I had left of what I was. In highschool my skills got recognized again. Became known as the "classmate good at art" along another girl and I started to join competitions again until the art teacher ignored me out of a sudden and work only with her. Still I didn’t stopped doing it in my free time, which I didn’t really had but I was so disinterested about school that I was drawing more than studying. I tried to make my own career besides the everyone’s lectures and I kept trying to have art accounts since I was 13 but I always failed, and when my art started to get some serious internet attention I quit because I didn’t had time to deal with the final exams. I think this hobby could’ve been turned into something very beautiful if was taken serious, especially that I had talent and with time developed more skills.

I had other hobbies too such as playing piano, swimming, and gymnastics, besides gaming and other things you can do at home. There was potential in all of them but again school was more important. Which is ridiclous because I’m writing this after being a neet for a year now. School didn’t got me anywhere besides suicide, and all the presure about it just made me hate it more and more and work less for it.

I also wanted to become a gamer but my mother never bought me the things I needed saying such things are only for boys. With time I started to cope and accept it better than the loss of art potential. Doesn’t mean I ever stopped wanting though, which created a deep frustration somewhere inside me.

Chapter 10: Types of People I Totally Despise

I did such list before where I wrote 70+ types of people I hate and I post it on Tumblr a long time ago, and I got told I’m on the list myself which I don’t disagree with. Maybe there are things I hate at other people which could be found at me as well but I don’t really care. I never said I would enjoy sitting at a table with a person just like me, ever.

1. The first place ever goes always to the people who don’t mind their own business. I hate everyone who looks at other people’s bowls to see what they got in it. I was never a fan of gossiping especially that it produces unnecessary drama, and I hate drama too. If you are bored go do something with your life. Go hiking, watch a movie, even sleep, but don’t stay to uselessy find out things about other people who literally bring nothing into your life. And if you need to hear about someone going downhill for you to feel better about yourself then your life is sadder than theirs.

2. People who are in constant competition with everyone. This can be seen in these noisy creatures who talk only about themselves, praise themselves like hell, and all they do is flex on others, but never listen when you have something good to say. They don’t get happy when you success, don’t want to hear about the good time you had yesterday when you walked your dog, don’t want to hear that you love yourself. These people annoy me so fucking much. Not because deep down they probably hate themselves, but because they actively let that affect the ones around them. A conversation to exist needs two people, and if you don’t want to listen about the other person’s life then don’t have it. You aren’t a celebrity for people to naturally get interested in you and want to hear about all the stupid things you’re about to flex.

3. Retards that hate others for not being like them. This will sound so hilarious because these people themselves are hilarious, but it’s always the ones with no personality. The ones that always got what they want and all they grew up with was sex and partying all around. They’re quick to judge anything at anyone, and they always end up creating some stupid drama just because they’re mad you actually got a life instead of being whore.

4. Larpers. Anything that moves and larps is hated by me at full potential. I can smell a larp from miles away and it always pisses me off enough for a whole week. Wanting attention so bad that you start to fake something you are not is very embarassing especially that anyone can notice. If you are one of them understand already for the sake of our brain cells that we don’t give a fuck. We don’t think you’re cool, we don’t like you more if you fake being into things we are or into complete different things, we can’t care less.

5. A special place for all the disgusting two legs walking fuckers called pedophiles, zoophiles, rapists, junkies, whores, and the list keeps going on. I fucking hate you from the bottom of my heart no matter if you’re a female or male. All of you can fuck off and die for what I care.

6. Another special place this time for my family and everyone I’ve ever met. You’re welcome. Feel honored.

More incoming soon...